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Colidge [04 Sep 2005|12:19pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I can't seem to decide whether or not I'd like to switch to livejournal or stay with blogger, so the sequence of these next few entries may be confusing as I vacillate between the two.

This isn't the only decision I'm having trouble with. I'm so GREAT at decisions. My decision right now is as follows: would I rather work on my college essays, backtracks columns, or livejournal? Actually, I guess I just made that decision...

So anyway I was thinking about college (I'm sure no one else was), and how the places that accept us and (more importantly) where we choose to go will become another label by which we can be judged. I'm going to try and lay this out. Here are some people and the colleges they want to go to (as far as I know/right now):

Me: U of Washington
Emily (Z): Pitzer
Tommy: Harvey Mudd
Jay: U of Washington
Merit: Stanford
Kath: USC
Taylor: PCC
Lindsay: Wesleyan
Liz: Boston College
Jackie: Harvard
Julia: Lake Forest
Amy: Harvard
Ansley: Harvard
Matt: Dartmouth
Emily (F): Yale
Jon: Pomona

(Do you like how I put space between me and Jay to represent that we don't want to go to the same college just because the other is applying?) So, the fact that these people want to go these places means a totally different thing than if they actually are accepted to these places. Some people on this list probably won't get into the college they want to go. Or maybe they will. I have no idea, really, that depends on how well they write or how much of an influence Phillips Academy actually has. But from this list we can make certain judgements. Jay, Julia, Taylor, Kath, Liz and I probably aren't as motivated as the rest of the list. Tommy is probably really into science. Emily is environmentally conscious. Jay, Kath, Taylor and I don't really care about one-on-one attention from teachers. Amy, Ansley, Matt, Emily (F), Jackie and Jung are super super smart. Jon is smart but probably a huge jerk. Taylor probably didn't do very well in high school.

How many of these judgements are true? How many are legitimate? They're all logical, but are they fair? Probably not. I myself am very judgemental and think that some labels are a good representation of a person's character, but all labels have exceptions. Let me dissect this list a little more, even though I'm really risking offending everyone and their mom:

Me: U of Washington, because I love Seattle, I love the options, I love the vibes, I love the people, and I like the quality of the facilities a big college can offer. Plus, they're trying to give more one-on-one attention to students, as most massive colleges are.
Emily (Z): Pitzer, because she probably likes the idea of the consortium plus the smaller class sizes, and of course, she is environmentally conscious and likes volunteering.
Tommy: Harvey Mudd, because yes, in fact, he likes science and is pretty damn smart (let it be known that he was on our elementary school's first place science bowl team).
Jay: U of Washington, because he likes public universities and (more importantly) the Civil and Environnmental Engineering major.
Merit: Stanford, both her parents went there and it's a little more laid back (but not much) than ivies. She also likes warm weather, and is really smart and involved in just about every club in Andover.
Kath: USC, because she doesn't like Andover very much (she's spending htis year in Spain through SYA), knows she doesn't want to go to Harvard because her dad and some friends went/go there and know she wouldn't like it, plus she's from LA.
Taylor: PCC, because she knows she wouldn't do well enough at U of O the first two years of college to justify the amount of money she needs to spend.
Lindsay: Wesleyan, because...she's smart and she likes to write? I don't know.
Liz: Boston College, because she's from the area and her dad wants her to go there.
Jackie: Harvard, because she's motivated (she was a Senate Page a couple summers ago and is captain of two sports teams at Andover), I know she has a boyfriend there but I don't know if that's why, and she's just an east-coast kind of girl even though she's from Oklahoma.
Julia: Lake Forest, because she doesn't want to go to the East Coast and doesn't want to stay on the West Coast, plus she loves the campus and maybe the class sizes I can't really remember.
Amy: Harvard, because it's near her home, but then again she really has no idea, and her softball will probably aid her admissions to whatever college she goes.
Ansley: Harvard, for the hockey. That's it.
Matt: Dartmouth, because it's close to home and it's an ivy.
Emily (F): Yale, because it's an ivy and their crew team is pretty good, I guess.
Jon: Pomona, because he's a pretentious jerk and his brothers went there.

Some of those are assumptions, but they're they way I'm seeing people's choices, and my main purpose is just to show how different some labels are when they're delineated. We (or, I guess more accurately, "I") will inevitably be judging people based on where they matriculate. Even though I already know these people pretty well, their future colleges will probably illustrate what type of person they are pretty damn well.

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And if I don't see you, I'm afraid we've lost the way [02 Sep 2005|03:27am]
It is 3:27am. I can't sleep. I tried to sleep but I kept thinking about people at school, so I took a bath AND a shower because what makes you sleepier than a hot bath? But I'm still going strong. I played a butload of kitten cannon. I left comments on myspaces and will probably end up texting some people because you know what I said before about not wanting to contact people? I don't. But I will, because I love some people and I really do want to see them before I leave. And there are some people that I want to see that I refuse to call, and I'm kind of sad about that because they will not call me, and aren't we all sad about that?

Kathryn left for Spain today. Andover's really going to suck without her.

I've been waiting all summer for a used copy of Franny and Zooey to show up at Powells, and today there were THREE. So I bought one. And by the 5th page, it reeked of prep school (mentioning both Burberry AND Exeter).

Jay and I went to MLC tonight. Schools like that really freak me out.

I'm obviously getting tired. Interesting.
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My wife had a boil on her back; yeah, that popped [02 Sep 2005|01:27am]
I was just going to buy Soul Meets Body, but then I decided that I should probably listen to clips on the rest of the album before I do so because I didn't want to spend an extra 99 cents. Turns out, the rest of the album sounds pretty good, too.

Damn.

I saw The Aristocrats today. With Jay. And my parents. And my fourteen-year-old brother. And what a vile and vulgar film it was! Somewhere between dicks playing xylophones, Bob Saget, and onstage abortions performed on 70-year-old grandmothers, the experience became enormously uncomfortable but still managed to be insanely hilarious. I even have the balls to say the following: it was probably the funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean that. Sexuality, violence, and profanity that are usually deemed gratuitous suddenly became a necessity when you're getting down to the details of this inside joke between the best of comedians. I really recommend seeing this movie, and on top of that, seeing it with a group of people with whom you would feel uncomfortable saying "cunt." Or even "poop."

It's almost the weekend: my last weekend in town. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm extremely unprepared to go back to Andover, both emotionally and...academically? I haven't finished my college essays yet, or even edited them. When I say "them," I really mean "it." I haven't finished my backtracks columns, which isn't really that big of a deal except I really should have written all of them this summer and I just have drafts of three. Emotionally...I am just a wreck, but a very composed wreck, which may or may not be a good thing. I have five days before I have to start working my ass off.

I'm kind of scared thinking about how I might take it. It's true that this year should be easier since I know what to expect, but...I'm dreading what I know. I'm expecting bad things to come. You know how most movies end where everything is set up for people to have this great life that they don't have to worry about working to achieve? Movies have brainwashed me into thinking that there isn't life beyond the last day of summer. I just cannot fathom what my daily life will be when my phone says 9/9/05. Getting used to doing nothing is really easy and really great. Now I have to do the opposite, and not only do I (and I suppose most other kids my age, huh?) have to worry about general success, I have to worry about doing my best work so I can get into college.

Uhh, that's scary.

Since this is the last week of my existence as a Portlander, the general assumption is that I will be in demand until I leave. I'll (potentially) have to deal with last-minute appointments, family friends wanting to catch one last glimpse of me in my childhood, lots of family meals, and tons of packing; however, most importantly, all of my friends will want to see me. All of them. They'll want to make sure they can see as much of me as humanly possible in my remaining hours of summer, no matter what it takes.

That is the assumption, and that is what used to be true, but this summer has been really different for me and it is depressing, but probably not as much as one may think it should be. I guess these past few days could count as times when people tried to see me for the last time. I finally got to see Whitney and Emily, who, interestingly enough, have been spending a lot of time in isolation (or whatever you want to call it: fitting in some alone time, family bonding, hanging out with jews, etc.). I went to breakfast with Dane and Pete (Jay doesn't count because I am 100% positive that I'll be seeing him every day before I leave). I did some catching up with Julia today before she left for Canada. The thing is, I really don't think I'll be seeing anyone else. I just can't feel it. During past breaks, people usually called me to make the last minute plans. Now, my phone doesn't really ring unless it's Jay or Julia or some member of my family. I can't help but think back to spring break, when people like Kendra would approach me while I visited Wilson and say that we should definitely hang out during the summer. And of course, it's kind of painful to think of people like Taylor, who I used see every day for extended periods of time, but now only hear from every couple of days.

There are lots of people I wish I had called more this summer. And there are lots of people I want to see before I leave. Lots. Really. I wish I had actually gotten to know Dane and Lindsay. I wish I had seen more of Pete and Tommy. I wish I had called Anna more. I wish I had planned something cool for Whitney and Emily to have gotten excited about and maybe, just maybe, actually DONE IT. I wish I had just driven out to Newberg to see Dan and just force him to hang out with me. I wish Merit and I had actually organized the softball reunion. I wish Jon and I ate more Thai food. But I don't want to have to call those people. I want someone to take care of me for the next five days, and I think that's a totally valid request. My dad keeps asking me when I want to have my going away party, and when I'm going to start calling people, and blah blah blah but I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT. I want someone else to do my party. I don't care what they do with it as long as they don't neglect it (this isn't a want ad for a party planner, by the way). Nothing makes me feel more whole or comfortable than when someone does something for me that is an accurate reflection of my personality without my input, and even if it isn't that great of a representation, I'd still probably think it was fantastic. Asking me what I want to do and pegging me with every decision inflicts so much pain on my emotions. It makes me want to rip up the essay I wrote in my Shakespeare class last term and type WE ARE ALL ALONE in its place and email it to Ms. Tous with a little note that says "this is what I really meant."

I feel really empty right now, but I also feel so much affection for Jay that it's hard for me to keep from shrieking and laughing and choking on my happiness (in public, I usually let loose when I'm driving). I think I watched Jay watch The Aristocrats about half the time I myself was watching The Aristocrats. Seeing him doubled over in laughter was one of the more pleasing experiences of my summer. This boy has been so good to me this summer that he's basically made up for the neglect I've received from other friends. This whole dependency thing isn't really going to work while I'm across the country, so fall term is going to suck cock, guaranteed.

So anyway, there's this really prestigious talent agency, and a guy walks in and says to the agent, "I've got this really great show that I have to tell you about." So the agent tells him to go ahead and describe it. He says...
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Do(ugh)nut [01 Sep 2005|03:35pm]
I really do like that new Death Cab single, and Death Cab is starting to grow on me. I've spent three years resisting this band, not really purposely, but for some reason (I have no idea why, but I'm pretty sure it was some specific incident) I've just been adamantly opposed to listening to their albums or liking them in general. Whenever I'm talking to someone about the music we listen to, they start asking me how I like certain Death Cab songs and albums and I say, "Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about." Maybe I'm just done hating them because Voodoo made a doughnut for them. Donut for them. Doughnut for them?

Death Cab reminds me of indie bands, and indie bands remind me of Garden State, and Garden State reminds me of Portsmouth. Portsmouth, New Hampshire, that is. I wonder if I'll be friends with Brianna this year. I do like her, but girls get so wrapped up in drama and hold grudges (I am no exception), and since I was a larger part of the Uhl front on the Brianna v. Kath fight, we definitely grew apart and I might not get to see Portsmouth too much this year. She lives just outside of Portsmouth by the way, I don't think I mentioned that. Anyway, Portsmouth is such a great city. When Brianna lost her virginity to some friend of hers in Portsmouth, she wanted to go back the next weekend to hook up with him again, but she needed someone to babysit her sisters so she could have guilt-free sex. I immediately volunteered, and Kath was like, "Hey man, you know she's using you, right?" and I said, "As long as I can go to Breaking New Grounds and her fridge is at my mercy, I really couldn't care less." And I didn't care less. And it worked out fine because Brianna decided she'd rather hang out with me than hook it up with that guy again, so she smoked me out and I drank all the milk in the house (you laugh, but her family buys the expensive organic milk that tastes like...really good milk).

I'm at the stage of the summer where I start having nightmares about going back to school. I usually wake up at about 3 or 4am and think I'm in Andover, and then I can't go back to sleep. I've got six days left in this town. I'm really hoping that my last six nights where I have the option of sleeping for more than 5 hours aren't wasted.

In other news, I've decided that right now, my number one school is Scripps. So basically, what I'm implying is that Jay should go to Harvey Mudd.
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Every season has an end [01 Sep 2005|12:20am]
I have this problem, see, where my mood is fragile and its volatility makes it very hard for me to get anything done. I don't know if I want to stick to blogger or livejournal, and my music doesn't work.
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Chewin' gum for something t'do [26 Aug 2005|02:09pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I like the way livejournal posts work. And I like putting the music I listen to because it looks interesting on the page. I wish I knew how to format the html because I want this to be pretty and if it becomes pretty I'll probably convert from blogger to livejournal. I like blogger. But I think it may be time to move on.

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Help [28 Jul 2005|05:18pm]
[ mood | in need of help ]

Heellllp

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